7

7 years ago today I gave birth to the sweetest little girl in the whole world. She had the cubbiest checks and had a head full of dark hair. She was just what I had always dreamed of. She completed our family.

Never did I imagine back then that our lives would change so quickly and that everything we thought we had we eventually be taken away. We never got a chance to celebrate her 1st birthday.

Olivia turning 7 years old seems so strange. Seems almost impossible. What would she look like? Would she be anything like Madison? These past few days have been a roller coaster of emotions.  I've had  overwhelming feelings of guilt and sadness but also some really happy and sweet memories have warmed my heart. We miss her more than ever. I will be forever grateful for the time we had together.

Happy Birthday Olivia!

We love you,
Mommy, Daddy & Maddy

playing catch up

I've been such a bad blogger! Where have the last few months gone? Summer flew by. I can't believe it's almost October. It's my absolute favortie time of year. I LOVE FALL!!!

We had pretty laid back summer. We spent lots of time at the pool and Madison made some friends on our block so she had a great time being able to play with them a few times a week. Madison and I were able to end our summer with a great trip to Flordia with my mom. It was just what we needed.

Madison has been in school for 3 weeks now and seems to be doing pretty well. We are back into a routine and it feels great! This past Monday Madison started a dance class through school. She was so excited to be accepted into the program and absolutly loves it!

I will be 27 weeks pregnant on Saturday. I know that I haven't offically written about it on the blog but really the only people that read the blog are my friends and family. And well all of you know! :)
I've been super lucky that the pregnancy is going well and have had no complications. I have to be honest, I really didn't write about it because I didn't quite feel comfortable talking about it. I was afraid of jinxing it or that if I talked about it something bad might happen. Silly I know, but after all that we have been through I am a little terrified. But I try to remind myself on a daily basis(sometimes on an hourly basis) that the past is the past and I need to look forward to the future and trust that this time will be different. Somedays are easier than others. In my heart I know it will all be ok. 


 Happy Fall!

100 things that make me happy

I can across a blog that posted this. I decided to give it a try. I have a lot to be thankful for.  Sometimes our lives get so busy we forgot about the things that make us happy. I'm glad I wrote this. When I'm having a bad day or things aren't quite going the way I'd like them too I can look at this and remember I have many reasons to be happy. Give it a try! I can't wait to read yours.

1. Madison's big blue eyes
2. Olivia's chubby cheeks
3. holding my girls for the very first time
4. the smell of fresh flowers
5. Oberwise chocolate milk shakes
6. Cubs games at Wrigley Field
7. sitting on the rocks down by Lake Michigan
8. watching the Real Housewives
9. chips & ranch dressing from Chili's
10. watching Madison ride her bike
11. taking a puppy home
12. riding the whizzer with Madison at Great America
13. hoping one day to look like a Kardashian :)
14. tiny baby feet
15. dinner with a girlfriend
16. pictures of Madison & Olivia
17. working in the ER
18. holding my girlfriends babies for the first time
19. homemade cupcakes
20. first snow of the winter
21. reading a good book
22. getting a haircut & color
23. seeing David hold his daughters for the first time
24. fresh strawberries & pineapple
25. shopping for a new outfit
26. being at my cousin's house in New Jeresy
27. watching the sunset
28. gettting a manicure & pedicure
29. listening to Madison read a book out loud
30. rainy days
31. finding out that a friend is expecting
32. cheese fries from the Outback
33. afternoon naps
34. a clean house
35. when a dinner you've never made turns out great
36. swirl margarita's from Uncle Julio's
39. seeing a baby come into the world
40. my iPhone
41. fresh laundry  
42. a massage
43. laughing so hard you cry
44. the color of leaves in the fall
45. being able to look at a friend and know excatly what they are thinking
46. Ella calling Madison- Mat Mat
47. watching Madison swim
48. thunderstorms
49. pepsi
50. when David makes dinner
51. the thought of one day becoming a runner
52. my laptop
53. the smell of the ocean
54. fireworks on the 4th of July
55. warm brownies
56. Gap jeans
57. watching Madison open gifts on Christmas morning
58. listening to Madison sign along with her iPod
59. when David gets home from work each night
60. having family & friends that I can always count on
61. tulips
62. all you can eat at Fogo de Chao
63. trying on shoes at Nordstrom
64. spending the day in my pj's
65. living in the city
66. Madison's freckles
67. my Uggs
68. David's homemade funnel cake
69. a carriage ride downtown
70. when the dogs know David is almost home & they sit in the window to wait
71. watching Madison swing at the park
72. shopping at Costco
73. a glass of champagne
74. Target
75. 1st day of school
76. trips to Minnesota
77. snuggling in bed with Madison
78. watching a good movie
79. a big purse
80. sangria & tapas
81. knowing that tomorrow is a new day
82. texting with girlfriends
83. sitting outside at O'Donovan's having a few cocktails and a great dinner
84. watching football with David on Sundays
85. a cold crisp fall night
86. sleeping in
87. a cashmere scarf
88. singing in the car
89. my wedding ring
90. cookie day with the girls
91. a big hug from Madison
92. breakfast in bed
93. bike rides
94. getting my eyebrows done
95. flip flops
96. seeing the dogs curled up with Madison in bed
97. homemade soup
98. play dates
99. the smell of lilac bushes
100. falling asleep next to the one you love

Happy 9th Birthday!

Maddy turned 9 years old today. I can't believe my sweet little 5lb premature baby is 9! Where has the time gone? There aren't enough words to describe how much I love my girl. She is my everything and I am so proud of the young lady that she is becoming. I am very lucky she chose me to be her mom!

We are celebrating her birthday on Saturday with family & friends. She is looking forward to playing with her cousins and friends.

Mother's Day 2010

Wordless Wednesday

Today Madison finally took off on her bike with no training wheels!

Maddy, Ella & Molly

go CUBS go!

Madison is finally starting to feel better. We were able to head down to Wrigley and enjoy an awesome Friday afternoon of sun and baseball. Cubs win!

This weekend we did some shopping and spent some time with my mom, grandma and Aunt Colleen. We had a great dinner at The Bagel @ Old Orchard and went home to play a few games of UNO.

Good weekend. Hope everyone had a good one too!

of course it's strep!

Madison isn't feeling to good these days. Last week on Tuesday she woke up with a nasty 24 hour flu bug. She stayed home from school Tuesday & Wednesday. Today she woke up with a fever of 101.7 and a terrible sore throat. After a trip to the doctor to confirm strep throat we headed to the pharmacy and picked up her prescription and maybe the 10th bottle of Gatorade we have bought in the last week. She is feeling pretty bad tonight and is already fast asleep. We are hoping she feels better by Friday, we have cubs tickets!!! Keep your fingers crossed, she loves to go to the games as much as we do.

close

Tonight was HL. It was a special night because a family was closing. They were saying goodbye for now and are starting a new journey, a new life in a new place. As we sat around in a circle tonight and said our goodbyes I was struck by how much each one of these people in this room helps the other. This was a special family saying goodbye. A military family. They endured a termendous amount of heartbreak and sadness. Their sweet child was so special & so loved. She loved to sing and dance and especially loved her mama's pancakes! The mom had wonderful stories about her little girl and when she told them you felt as if you were there in that moment with them. I learned a lot from them and will hang on to everything I learned for a very long time. I'm sure it was very difficult to close the door on this chapter of their lives and set out on a new journey. My last thought when I left group tonight was I hope that their sweet little girl found my baby girl and showed her how to dance......

moving forward

 I need to move forward. I feel like I have sat here and life has just moved past me. I've been stuck in grief, in pain, in silence and stuck in the most unbelievable sadness one could ever imagine. I'm angry. I'm hurt. I have spent the last 6 years not saying any of that out loud.

Grief is complicated. It takes over your life. I've tried for a long time to over come it. To move past it. Therapy didn't excatly work for me(maybe I never found the right therapist for me, I'm a huge believer in therapy and I will try again with a new therapist), I still attend a bereavement group twice a month and  I try on a daily basis to be happy. I try very very hard not to feel sorry for myself. Even though Olivia died I know how lucky I am to have had her, even if it was for just a short time. I now understand that grief will be with me for the rest of my life and I'm learning each day how to deal with that. It's taken me quite a while to come to terms with that. It sucks, but it's reality.

The pain of losing a child is overwhemling. It's something that I can't explain. Something that I never want anyone else to ever have to go through or feel. Some days the pain is worse than others. You can't predict what a day will be like. You learn to somewhat expect the worst and hope for an easy day.

Over the last few weeks I've been doing a lot of thinking. I need to make some changes. I need to let go of my anger. I need people around me that love me and are there for me.  I need to feel like I belong somewhere. I need to be able to breath and it not feel like I'm choking. I need to believe that I derserve to be happy.

I need to heal.

Today I am ready to move forward.

Not meant to be

I've come to realize there are many things in life that are not meant to be. I have heard these 4 words more than I'd like to, and more than ever in the last 2 weeks. And I've actaully said these 4 words a lot lately. But the reality is I HATE these 4 words! I wish this statement didn't exsist. Plain and simple it makes me sad.

19 days ago I found out I was pregnant. I had a miscarriage 2 days later. For 2 days I finally felt like I was moving forward, maybe even healed just a little bit. It took me a very long time to be able to try and have another child. I have never felt ready to take this step until about a year ago.  When I stood in the bathroom in the very early morning hours and realized what was happening my heart broke all over again, excatly what I was afraid of. What we have been trying so hard for was now gone. In that moment I said to myself this just wasn't meant to be.

This is a lonely place to be. I feel broken. I feel incredibly sad. Most of all I feel terribly afraid to try again, because maybe having more children is just not meant to be......

Mama's girl

Many of you know that Madison has been a daddy's girl for quite some time. Like 7yrs!! Well lately she has become more of a mama's girl. I know she 8 1/2yrs old and I probably shouldn't call her that but that is totally what it feels like. When Madison was a baby she well was pretty much glued to me. David would try so hard to get her to love on him but she just would not have any of that! But man once our sweet baby girl was on the move daddy became "the man" and well this mama was left in their dust! I have to admit at times it hurt my feeling but I wouldn't change it for anything. They absolutely adore eachother and are two peas in a pod! Geez she spent so much time being a daddy's girl that she stopped looking like me and now looks like her daddy! :)
Lately Madison has been very attached to me. Came out of nowhere. I think I might have my mama's girl back. And it feels soooo good! I'm not sure excatly what is going on with her. She doesn't want to spend the night away from home and if she is at my grandma's or at my mom's she usually calls to say how much she misses me and wants to come home. Which is cute & annoying at the same time! I want her to be able to stay with others and not be afraid when she isn't at home. I'm 31 yrs old and still prefer to sleep at home rather than anywhere else and tend to get homesick pretty quickly. So I guess she might look like David but this girl has my feelings and quirks! OY, poor girl :)  I'm guessing this is just a faze and sooner rather than later she'll be back to being a daddy's girl. But hey I'll take what I can get!

I.LOVE.THIS.GIRL

Wordless Wednesday

New Year

So I've been thinking that with the start of the new year I  might have a few things I'd like to try and get accomplished.

1. I'd like to learn how to chill out a bit. Now for me that's a HUGE challenge. I'm a worrier. I worry about EVERYTHING and it really wears me down and puts me in a cranky mood. I really struggle with it and I'm hoping that I can at least work on it and get it more in control. You only live once and I surely don't need to be worrying all the time!

2. I'd like to work on being a better wife. No realationship is perfect and David and I have been through a lot. Marriage is not a walk in the park! But I don't say this enough,  I'm pretty lucky.(yes I said it out loud, and Haley just fainted!!!)  I have been able to stay at home for pretty much the last 8 1/2 yrs and take care of our 2 daughters. It's something that many people aren't able to do and I surely do not take it for granted. I'm super lucky that David is totally laid back and deals with my cleaning, laundry and OCD issues!!!!  He laughs when I fall down but he always picks me up! I'm so not the easiest person to live with and although I drive him nuts he always comes home to me! After 5 1/2yrs of really tough grieving and missing our daughter we have definetly found our way back to eachother and for that I am forever grateful.

3. I'd like to become a better mom. I love being a mom, but I think since Olivia died I haven't done the best job. It's been a really rough 5 1/2 yrs for me. I feel like I have a lot of making up to do.  I adore Madison and I love her more than anything in this world. She deserves everything and more........



I hope this new year brings many new joys and many many moments of love..................