moving forward

 I need to move forward. I feel like I have sat here and life has just moved past me. I've been stuck in grief, in pain, in silence and stuck in the most unbelievable sadness one could ever imagine. I'm angry. I'm hurt. I have spent the last 6 years not saying any of that out loud.

Grief is complicated. It takes over your life. I've tried for a long time to over come it. To move past it. Therapy didn't excatly work for me(maybe I never found the right therapist for me, I'm a huge believer in therapy and I will try again with a new therapist), I still attend a bereavement group twice a month and  I try on a daily basis to be happy. I try very very hard not to feel sorry for myself. Even though Olivia died I know how lucky I am to have had her, even if it was for just a short time. I now understand that grief will be with me for the rest of my life and I'm learning each day how to deal with that. It's taken me quite a while to come to terms with that. It sucks, but it's reality.

The pain of losing a child is overwhemling. It's something that I can't explain. Something that I never want anyone else to ever have to go through or feel. Some days the pain is worse than others. You can't predict what a day will be like. You learn to somewhat expect the worst and hope for an easy day.

Over the last few weeks I've been doing a lot of thinking. I need to make some changes. I need to let go of my anger. I need people around me that love me and are there for me.  I need to feel like I belong somewhere. I need to be able to breath and it not feel like I'm choking. I need to believe that I derserve to be happy.

I need to heal.

Today I am ready to move forward.