Wordless Wednesday

Today Madison finally took off on her bike with no training wheels!

Maddy, Ella & Molly

go CUBS go!

Madison is finally starting to feel better. We were able to head down to Wrigley and enjoy an awesome Friday afternoon of sun and baseball. Cubs win!

This weekend we did some shopping and spent some time with my mom, grandma and Aunt Colleen. We had a great dinner at The Bagel @ Old Orchard and went home to play a few games of UNO.

Good weekend. Hope everyone had a good one too!

of course it's strep!

Madison isn't feeling to good these days. Last week on Tuesday she woke up with a nasty 24 hour flu bug. She stayed home from school Tuesday & Wednesday. Today she woke up with a fever of 101.7 and a terrible sore throat. After a trip to the doctor to confirm strep throat we headed to the pharmacy and picked up her prescription and maybe the 10th bottle of Gatorade we have bought in the last week. She is feeling pretty bad tonight and is already fast asleep. We are hoping she feels better by Friday, we have cubs tickets!!! Keep your fingers crossed, she loves to go to the games as much as we do.

close

Tonight was HL. It was a special night because a family was closing. They were saying goodbye for now and are starting a new journey, a new life in a new place. As we sat around in a circle tonight and said our goodbyes I was struck by how much each one of these people in this room helps the other. This was a special family saying goodbye. A military family. They endured a termendous amount of heartbreak and sadness. Their sweet child was so special & so loved. She loved to sing and dance and especially loved her mama's pancakes! The mom had wonderful stories about her little girl and when she told them you felt as if you were there in that moment with them. I learned a lot from them and will hang on to everything I learned for a very long time. I'm sure it was very difficult to close the door on this chapter of their lives and set out on a new journey. My last thought when I left group tonight was I hope that their sweet little girl found my baby girl and showed her how to dance......

moving forward

 I need to move forward. I feel like I have sat here and life has just moved past me. I've been stuck in grief, in pain, in silence and stuck in the most unbelievable sadness one could ever imagine. I'm angry. I'm hurt. I have spent the last 6 years not saying any of that out loud.

Grief is complicated. It takes over your life. I've tried for a long time to over come it. To move past it. Therapy didn't excatly work for me(maybe I never found the right therapist for me, I'm a huge believer in therapy and I will try again with a new therapist), I still attend a bereavement group twice a month and  I try on a daily basis to be happy. I try very very hard not to feel sorry for myself. Even though Olivia died I know how lucky I am to have had her, even if it was for just a short time. I now understand that grief will be with me for the rest of my life and I'm learning each day how to deal with that. It's taken me quite a while to come to terms with that. It sucks, but it's reality.

The pain of losing a child is overwhemling. It's something that I can't explain. Something that I never want anyone else to ever have to go through or feel. Some days the pain is worse than others. You can't predict what a day will be like. You learn to somewhat expect the worst and hope for an easy day.

Over the last few weeks I've been doing a lot of thinking. I need to make some changes. I need to let go of my anger. I need people around me that love me and are there for me.  I need to feel like I belong somewhere. I need to be able to breath and it not feel like I'm choking. I need to believe that I derserve to be happy.

I need to heal.

Today I am ready to move forward.