Thursday, September 10, 2009
Do I still fit in?
I have been going to a bearvement group for 5yrs as of today. This group meets twice a month. I try my best to get to every meeting I can for myself but especially for Maddy. She really needs it and enjoys going. We have the whole month of August off because of the warm weather and the facility we use does not have AC. Tonight was our first night back. There were a few new families tonight and I started to wonder do I still fit in? Someone asked for my opinion on something since I was 5 yrs out. I sat quietly for awhile because it felt like yesterday that was me walking in the door wondering what life would be like in 5yrs. There have been times in the last year or so that I felt like maybe I didn't belong there anymore. But I think I felt that way because there are some very pushy religious people that made me feel bad about my beliefs and feelings. Over the summer I decided that I wasn't going to let them keep from group. So there I was today the only person that has been a bearved parent for over 5yrs. Again with this feeling of do I still fit in. I still want to be there and I know it really is good for Maddy to be with other children who understand what she has been through. I guess I just need to remind myself that I'm not a failure because I'm still there. Maybe sometimes you just need to be with others who for if at least for one minute can understand what I feel. Even after 5yrs this process doesn't get any easier.........
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Melissa,
ReplyDeleteI totally understand where you are coming from being 4+ years of going to HL. It’s a weird feeling. So often I felt like I didn’t fit in with my family and friends anymore, but it wasn’t something they did or said. I just felt different because my child died and although they were/are supportive and loving – they just don’t completely understand my range of emotions. I always felt like HL was my safe zone. I could say whatever I felt and I knew I wouldn’t be staring into a shocked face. Within the past year or so I started feeling a bit out of place there as well. At times it was hard to deal with the extremely religious parents, but there was also days where the raw emotion of a newly bereaved parent could catapult me make to March 15, 2005 in a heartbeat and I wondered if that was good for me or not. Could I help them and still help myself?
I think the answer for me is to go when I want and skip it when I want to. I think you should do whatever feels right as well.
Be gentle with yourself. I love you!
Stacy