of course it's strep!

Madison isn't feeling to good these days. Last week on Tuesday she woke up with a nasty 24 hour flu bug. She stayed home from school Tuesday & Wednesday. Today she woke up with a fever of 101.7 and a terrible sore throat. After a trip to the doctor to confirm strep throat we headed to the pharmacy and picked up her prescription and maybe the 10th bottle of Gatorade we have bought in the last week. She is feeling pretty bad tonight and is already fast asleep. We are hoping she feels better by Friday, we have cubs tickets!!! Keep your fingers crossed, she loves to go to the games as much as we do.

close

Tonight was HL. It was a special night because a family was closing. They were saying goodbye for now and are starting a new journey, a new life in a new place. As we sat around in a circle tonight and said our goodbyes I was struck by how much each one of these people in this room helps the other. This was a special family saying goodbye. A military family. They endured a termendous amount of heartbreak and sadness. Their sweet child was so special & so loved. She loved to sing and dance and especially loved her mama's pancakes! The mom had wonderful stories about her little girl and when she told them you felt as if you were there in that moment with them. I learned a lot from them and will hang on to everything I learned for a very long time. I'm sure it was very difficult to close the door on this chapter of their lives and set out on a new journey. My last thought when I left group tonight was I hope that their sweet little girl found my baby girl and showed her how to dance......

moving forward

 I need to move forward. I feel like I have sat here and life has just moved past me. I've been stuck in grief, in pain, in silence and stuck in the most unbelievable sadness one could ever imagine. I'm angry. I'm hurt. I have spent the last 6 years not saying any of that out loud.

Grief is complicated. It takes over your life. I've tried for a long time to over come it. To move past it. Therapy didn't excatly work for me(maybe I never found the right therapist for me, I'm a huge believer in therapy and I will try again with a new therapist), I still attend a bereavement group twice a month and  I try on a daily basis to be happy. I try very very hard not to feel sorry for myself. Even though Olivia died I know how lucky I am to have had her, even if it was for just a short time. I now understand that grief will be with me for the rest of my life and I'm learning each day how to deal with that. It's taken me quite a while to come to terms with that. It sucks, but it's reality.

The pain of losing a child is overwhemling. It's something that I can't explain. Something that I never want anyone else to ever have to go through or feel. Some days the pain is worse than others. You can't predict what a day will be like. You learn to somewhat expect the worst and hope for an easy day.

Over the last few weeks I've been doing a lot of thinking. I need to make some changes. I need to let go of my anger. I need people around me that love me and are there for me.  I need to feel like I belong somewhere. I need to be able to breath and it not feel like I'm choking. I need to believe that I derserve to be happy.

I need to heal.

Today I am ready to move forward.

Not meant to be

I've come to realize there are many things in life that are not meant to be. I have heard these 4 words more than I'd like to, and more than ever in the last 2 weeks. And I've actaully said these 4 words a lot lately. But the reality is I HATE these 4 words! I wish this statement didn't exsist. Plain and simple it makes me sad.

19 days ago I found out I was pregnant. I had a miscarriage 2 days later. For 2 days I finally felt like I was moving forward, maybe even healed just a little bit. It took me a very long time to be able to try and have another child. I have never felt ready to take this step until about a year ago.  When I stood in the bathroom in the very early morning hours and realized what was happening my heart broke all over again, excatly what I was afraid of. What we have been trying so hard for was now gone. In that moment I said to myself this just wasn't meant to be.

This is a lonely place to be. I feel broken. I feel incredibly sad. Most of all I feel terribly afraid to try again, because maybe having more children is just not meant to be......

Mama's girl

Many of you know that Madison has been a daddy's girl for quite some time. Like 7yrs!! Well lately she has become more of a mama's girl. I know she 8 1/2yrs old and I probably shouldn't call her that but that is totally what it feels like. When Madison was a baby she well was pretty much glued to me. David would try so hard to get her to love on him but she just would not have any of that! But man once our sweet baby girl was on the move daddy became "the man" and well this mama was left in their dust! I have to admit at times it hurt my feeling but I wouldn't change it for anything. They absolutely adore eachother and are two peas in a pod! Geez she spent so much time being a daddy's girl that she stopped looking like me and now looks like her daddy! :)
Lately Madison has been very attached to me. Came out of nowhere. I think I might have my mama's girl back. And it feels soooo good! I'm not sure excatly what is going on with her. She doesn't want to spend the night away from home and if she is at my grandma's or at my mom's she usually calls to say how much she misses me and wants to come home. Which is cute & annoying at the same time! I want her to be able to stay with others and not be afraid when she isn't at home. I'm 31 yrs old and still prefer to sleep at home rather than anywhere else and tend to get homesick pretty quickly. So I guess she might look like David but this girl has my feelings and quirks! OY, poor girl :)  I'm guessing this is just a faze and sooner rather than later she'll be back to being a daddy's girl. But hey I'll take what I can get!

I.LOVE.THIS.GIRL

Wordless Wednesday

New Year

So I've been thinking that with the start of the new year I  might have a few things I'd like to try and get accomplished.

1. I'd like to learn how to chill out a bit. Now for me that's a HUGE challenge. I'm a worrier. I worry about EVERYTHING and it really wears me down and puts me in a cranky mood. I really struggle with it and I'm hoping that I can at least work on it and get it more in control. You only live once and I surely don't need to be worrying all the time!

2. I'd like to work on being a better wife. No realationship is perfect and David and I have been through a lot. Marriage is not a walk in the park! But I don't say this enough,  I'm pretty lucky.(yes I said it out loud, and Haley just fainted!!!)  I have been able to stay at home for pretty much the last 8 1/2 yrs and take care of our 2 daughters. It's something that many people aren't able to do and I surely do not take it for granted. I'm super lucky that David is totally laid back and deals with my cleaning, laundry and OCD issues!!!!  He laughs when I fall down but he always picks me up! I'm so not the easiest person to live with and although I drive him nuts he always comes home to me! After 5 1/2yrs of really tough grieving and missing our daughter we have definetly found our way back to eachother and for that I am forever grateful.

3. I'd like to become a better mom. I love being a mom, but I think since Olivia died I haven't done the best job. It's been a really rough 5 1/2 yrs for me. I feel like I have a lot of making up to do.  I adore Madison and I love her more than anything in this world. She deserves everything and more........



I hope this new year brings many new joys and many many moments of love..................